That familiar feeling
by mikisto26
Summary: This is my take on exploring Diane and Kurt's thoughts and feelings during their first night together after their separation. (The Good Fight, 01x05).


"You okay?", he asked. The familiarity of it all made it seem so easy and unburdened. He knew she was okay, but he needed her to reassure him. She uttered a quiet "Yes." after a brief silence. Although it felt like old times, there was something different about it.

Diane tightened the grip on his chest. She had missed him, no matter how much it had hurt; and although she was sure that the fissure could never be mended completely, she felt like they needed to try. Over the past year, she would change her mind constantly about this. One moment she would feel the severe pain he had caused, the next day she would admit to herself that she missed him. She knew she was a woman who didn't need a man to make her complete. Being alone would not be a problem, she had the strength and the endowment to be at her best, with or without. It was not as much about needing as it was about wanting. She still loved him, and he could still make her happy.

"That was nice.", she added, smiling to herself and feeling his hand run through her hair again. It was all so familiar. His arm protectively holding her body, never too possessive. Just appreciating her. She felt comfortable, his presence was calming. His scent was bringing back memories from a year ago, from two years ago, from eight years ago. She remembered that she had smelled it just a few hours ago when she joined him on the stage. She smelled it when he had caught her off guard and kissed her after his speech. And she was smelling it right now and it made her feel all sorts of things, but mostly it made her feel at ease.

Diane felt his chest hair soft against her skin as she drew nearer. She rested her head on his chest and smiled. They had just made love and it was interesting how he could still make her feel so special and wanted. As scary as it was that it seemed like nothing had happened, it was also an incredibly welcome feeling at that very moment. She loved that he knew exactly how her body would respond to his touch, he knew what she liked. It was still an unblemished symbiosis, but she did notice that it was not as much an interdependence this night as it was him being good to her and making it mostly, not completely, about giving.

It didn't feel like a year had passed. Kurt was still the same, he tasted the same, he still made love to her in the same way, as if nothing had changed. The admiring look in his eyes when her breathing hitched every time his hands found their way up her thigh and between her legs. His hot breath against her neck, the sensation of his beard against her sensitive skin on every part of her body. The smile against her shoulder when she reacted to his fingers grazing the sweet spot on her lower back. He offered his shoulder kindly when she tried to muffle her cries and he didn't mind her occasional bites. And she appreciated his absorbing look when she was biting her lip, his arousal strikingly increasing when he saw her biting down harder until she would gasp for breath.

"I missed you.", Kurt spoke as she was absorbed in thought. Diane heard it but she had hoped not to hear him uttering those words tonight. She was only happy he didn't say 'I love you' yet because that would have been even harder to deal with. Of course he missed her, there was no doubt about that. He didn't even have to say it because she knew that. She felt the same way, but she couldn't say it back. Not just yet. Those three words do carry a lot of meaning and she wasn't ready to give him the feeling that everything was fine. She needed more time, not a commitment. It was an ongoing process. Kurt _was_ sort of back in her life but she couldn't just shut her thoughts and her feelings off. They had shared laughs and wonderful, funny conversation. The look in their eyes was not to be denied. She knew why she had fallen in love with him years ago, and she would still get lost in his eyes every time he looked at her and put on that handsome smirk. It could never _not_ make her feel anything.

She's had a series of losses and it was on her to decide what to make of what was left. She didn't feel bad about grabbing the chance to feel something else again. She was torn, but willing to see where they would end up, where she would end up. Her heart would try to tell her things, and so would her mind. It would be a tough struggle, but when she thought about what would be in for her, the answer was _happiness_. She felt him starting to kiss her neck- apparently he didn't take offense at her not responding. And he didn't blame her.

A pleasant feeling of warmth spread through her body, he indeed was good at that and it made her feel wanted. And that was probably all that counted at that moment. She might as well have jumped out of bed now, rejected his touch and asked him to leave. And he would leave without arguing, he would close the door and she would b standing in the hallway, she would feel a chill run down her spine as the scent of his aftershave would fade. Was that what she wanted? She might want that tomorrow, she might want it next week. She might not want it at all. It was a pretty unpredictable situation and she was willing to wait and see how it would turn out. How could she even let go of what was still in motion? Marriage is not just a consummate state that reaches a perfect point and stays like that. They would have to work on it every day. It changes. Sometimes to the better, sometimes to the worse. But is it worth the work and the effort? She couldn't just decide that based on this one night. Her trust issues wouldn't just go away.

So many things were running through her head and it was only then that her train of thought was interrupted when he managed to lay her on her back and leaned over her. Now met by his gaze, that usual feeling of safety overcame her. She wasn't surprised, he had that effect on her. She could see he was tired but he leaned down to kiss her and she allowed him. Her body responded naturally and even if she was still insecure, she let her eyes drift close and kissed him back. It was slow and lazy kissing, a gentle re-exploration. Kurt was cunning and it didn't take much, she just enjoyed the moment and didn't think about the possible aftermath.

"I thought you wanted to go to sleep.", she remarked quietly and played with his hair. "You look tired... or exhausted?", she added.

"Never exhausted.", he objected. She laughed out loud when his confident utterance was followed by a yawn. He indeed seemed sleepy but that certainly didn't stop him. For a long moment, they only looked at each other. She couldn't really see him since it was dark, but the little light the semi-closed curtains provided was enough to make up his face and see the love in his eyes. The corners of his mouth went up slightly. That was his usual smirk that made him look so adorable and could easily make her weak and throw her off course. Diane placed her palm on his cheek and couldn't hide her smile. Kurt laughed to himself and went back to kissing her. She couldn't help but hold him tightly, occasionally caressing his back. He savored her soft touch, she knew he liked it. Her fingers alternately went from gentle to slightly rough, her nails adding to it.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?", he mumbled in between two needy kisses.

"I've missed this." She couldn't offer him more at the moment. But for him, it was still satisfying to hear. He was being more cautious and understanding all night, at times he would give her a questioning look because he didn't want to do anything she might not want. He didn't push her, and she appreciated it.

It was soothing, almost sedative, to feel someone else's body heat against her own again. Diane had seen the other side of the bed empty for a year, it was strange how the cold, untouched sheets were occupied now. And she preferred that over having the bed to herself at this moment because it just felt right. She cherished their time together and didn't want to think about how she might feel about it tomorrow. She didn't regret sleeping with him, but it will take a lot more for things to go back to normal. He hasn't regained her trust with this and he knew that, that's why he was being so careful. He didn't take that night for granted, he didn't take her for granted. It wasn't only about the physical aspect. It wasn't just sex, not just for fun. If it had merely been about the sex, she would've had a harder time adjusting to the situation. There were feelings involved, a deep affection that was still there. She hasn't forgotten, just suppressed her feelings. It was easy as long as he was gone. But as soon as she saw him again, her emotions got the best of her and she couldn't deny that. She couldn't hide it. It was an interesting blend of feelings, but her love for him predominated.


End file.
